How I work

Relationships touch the deepest insecurities and anxieties within us. They are at the same time one of the most vulnerable things and the most wonderful things we can experience. They can bring out our best selves, and also our worst.

From our cultural surroundings, we don't get many great examples on how to relate in healthy ways. Especially not in the context of consensual non-monogamy.

So it only makes sense that many people struggle in their relationships.

Asking for help, especially from a relationship counselor, can be a big step. Sharing those raw and vulnerable areas of your life can feel scary. That is completely normal.

Below you'll find some information on what you can expect when you start working with me.

The foundation: your agency

You are in charge of your own life: you determine how you want to live your relationships. I don't have preconceived notions of what is best or what relationships are supposed to look like.
The starting point for our work are you and your partner(s') values, feelings, desires, needs and boundaries. These might not be clear from the beginning, or might be very different from what you initially think - our work is to uncover that together.
This work requires vulnerability, which may feel scary. My job is to create the safe space needed for everyone in the room to be able to be vulnerable and to connect to one another's vulnerability.

In practice

We start with an intake session. During this session I try to get to know you and your goals and desires. What do you want to attain? Where would you like to be? What is your ideal situation? These can be different for everyone involved and may or may not relate to the initial reason you took the step to get help.
Then, we create space to talk about the problems you experience in your relationship(s) and look deeper to unconver patterns and emotions that prevent you from living according to your desires. Together, we map out a path that will help you and your partner(s) find a balanced connection.

Theoretical underpunnings

My work is mainly based on attachment theory and elements of EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy). I work with what you bring to the session – experiences and stories you talk about, but also with patterns that show up during the session (wether between you and your partner(s), or between you and me). I am inspired by (self)compassion, sex positivity, nonviolent communication, mindfulness, sensorimotor therapy, and best practices in consensual non monogamy (ranging from scientific to popular, professional to personal).
My work is trauma informed and I strive to be aware of my biases in order to limit their impact on my work. I identify as an intersectional feminist, which means that I take into account how different parts of our identities impact our social interactions. You can find more about myself and my story here.
A shortlist of people whose work has formed my thinking: Meg-John Barker, Jessica Fern, Sue Johnson, Bessel van der Kolk, Pat Ogden, Leah Lakshmi Piepzna-Samarasinha, Eve Rickert, Marshall Rosenberg.

Practical notes

Most of my clients are individuals and couples, but triads, V's and any other constellations are welcome.
In general a trajectory takes 3-6 sessions. During our first session we uncover what your goals and desires are, what is happening in your relationhip(s) and what your areas of pain are. Based on this we will map out how many sessions we think are needed. Of course we can always adjust along the way.
One session every two to three weeks is most common. This way you have time to process and integrate what we discussed in our session and we are able to keep our trajectory top-of-mind. Every situation is different, and some people may benefit from more frequent sessions.

Introductory sessions

I know first hand how important it is to find a counselor or coach who you connect with. That is why I offer free 20 minute introductory meetings.
During a phone or video call we can shortly discuss your situation and needs, I can elaborate on my way of working, and you can ask any questions you may have. This way you can feel out if I could be a good fit for you.
If you are looking for relationship coaching or counseling, please make sure everyone involved in possible future sessions is present for the introduction, this way everyone starts on equal footing.
You can book an introductory meeting by filling out my contact form here.

If you have any more questions about what I do, how I work, or how counseling with me works in practice, check out the FAQ. If the answer to your question isn't there, feel free to contact me.